Great things about Adult Children: Millennials

The prof and I were born on the tip of the tail of the baby boomers, and our children fall into the Millenials or Gen Y. I love this generation.

As number of social researchers have pointed out, they have a distinctly high social barometer, are civic-minded, and quite optimistic about the future, particularly their own. They are the most well-educated generation, most connected, most self-expressed and most hesitant to commit early to a job or relationship. It has been said that they work to live, not, as some previous generations have been accused, do they live to work. Perhaps this is a subliminal function of the fact that they have a greater life expectancy, and most likely, in better health.

Perhaps they genuinely feel there is time to experiment, time to be mobile and flexible in their career choices. My two certainly have high expectations of their job and career, and job satisfaction and mobility is quite high on their list. We applaud this, while at the same time, steering their independence and decision-making with the benefit (hopefully!) of our wisdom and life experience.

I love listening to their dreams, hopes and desires. They are so optimistic, and adventurous. Living away from home they have developed a level of confidence and self-assurance that is inspiring to witness.

The other remarkable think about this generation, is that I do not perceive a generation gap. It is not that we are their friends, as such, I firmly believe that the best I can do for my two is to be their parent, not pretend to be a friend, but there is a closeness in our relationship, and willingness to share, that I did not experience with my own parents. As a result we have some wonderful times together that allow us to be part of each others lives.

Great Things about Adult Children: Timing

 

We (my husband and I) live on one side of this great country, and our children and family on the other. So, in the tradition of Christmas, we arranged flights across, to be with everyone for two weeks over Christmas and New Year particularly, we thought, our children.
No sooner had I struck ‘Confirm Payment’ on my keyboard, than our 21year old daughter said that she would like to go to Europe, as she has friends at university in Germany and England. She is planning to fly December 16. Terrific! Go! We said. Goodness if I was 21, had the money, and accommodation and travel with friends, try and stop me! I can well remember my own time travelling around Europe on a shoestring, and it was a memorable experience. Since giving her the green light, she has been busy arranging Youth Hostels and flights now that university exams are over.
Our son then announced that he and three mates would be driving to Byron Bay for the Falls Festival over New Year. Trying to sound enthusiastic, harder to do when thinking of boys, testosterone and cars, I said…yes…great….and then while peppering him with questions and being fed back glib assurances, so typical of a 19 year old, was wondering how fast Barry O’Farrell could arrange to have completed, the dual carriageway to replace the aged Pacific Highway north to the border with Queensland by Christmas?
Why can Christmas be so fraught! I am very much looking forward to a day with my siblings, their partners and children. We all get on pretty well, and there is usually plenty of laughter and good humour, but my mind will be switching between my daughter, I think she will be in Hungary on December 25, and the improbable, but horrible scenarios involving my son, and cars, and testosterone, and alcohol….you get the picture. And he won’t have left yet!
So, for Christmas we will not be with our daughter, and both children away for New Years Eve, which has left the man in my life, who is my best friend, and I looking at each other and wondering what the Christmas/ New Year holiday is all about.
I have decided that being together and celebrating your togetherness, does not have to be on a specific calendar day, but can be whenever there is an opportunity to catch up and enjoy each other’s company. Those days are our family’s Christmas Days, to be savoured and relished, and are as important as the celebrated day of December 25.

 

Great Things About Adult Children: Communication

I love having adult children, now aged 21 and 19. Communication is nolonger a daily thing. It happens intermittently, with peak periods and lulls, depending on events, moods or busyness.This has provided an interesting reflection on the types of communication I have with my two. I guess there is less noise than you would see in daily interface, which has given me a more distilled picture of them, and their emerging adulthood…..as they slip out of their chrysalis to become beautiful butterflies! I digress….technology is the tether that keeps us talking, and these are some of the calls, FaceTime and Skype we receive.

1. The Consultant Call
This is a most welcome reversal of what I feel beset me as a parent: unsolicited advice! I could feel my words of wisdom spill out over my tongue before I could say STOP, and the look on two faces, said it all really! Now, the Prof and I receive, what I have termed, the consultant phone call. This is quite affirming as a parent…our children, of their own free will, phoning us for advice. These are fabulous calls, where so much is discussed, often heading off in all sorts of directions, giving us insight into their passions, ideals and goals. The discipline I practice in these discussions with the children, is to allow them to reach their own conclusions, and ensure they are satisfied (hopefully) with their decision.

2. The Confessional Call
This is the admission of a mistake or failure and search for a remedy or mitigation. My two are sad, disappointed, or angry on the other end of the phone, and I hear the gnashing of teeth….These calls are always ‘handle with care’ and experience has taught me that getting angry is pretty counterproductive! These can have two distinct subcategories, either the solution acted upon failed, and now seeking an alternative, or they have no idea what to do. Entwined in this is self regret, and sometimes a loss of confidence. These calls are emotionally draining (on both sides) and I find myself wishing I could reach out and give them a big HUG.

3.The Announcement Call
Looking for support and affirmation, these calls inform us of a decision made, or pending. I love the forthrightness in their voices, and the pride at having made a decision they wish to share with us. We are usually supportive, well…. try to be, without pointing out too many pitfalls, hazards, downsides, unintended consequences etc…. and generally sounding like a killjoy or entirely bursting their bubbles! As we try to point out, when they complain about our (sometimes) lack of enthusiasm, it is just our life experience and broader knowledge getting in the way, hey, we are parents, it is our job.

4. The News Call
This is the log of their lives since we last spoke, the ‘what’s been happening’ call. The results of university assessments and tests, description of their day or party/gathering they attended, new clothes bought, sport played, adventures had, what’s news with family and friends and planning the next trip home or elsewhere. We catch up on issues that occupy us a family…money seems to be a recurring topic? and the lack there of (in their pockets!) Asking after each other, showing we each have the other in our thoughts, and finishing the call with ‘I love you’.

Food: Fruit Kebabs

I have always loved including fruit in any menu I prepare. The amount of fruit and their seeds my family have consumed over the years, it is a wonder they are not spouting oranges and lemons from their ears! I spent a large part of my childhood in rural NSW, where we had an orchard, planted and nurtured by my mother. Each season we would help her collect apples, peaches, plums, cherries and oranges which she would serve us fresh, then bottle and preserve the remainder, to be stored in a cellar we had under our house.

This photo was taken in March, 1969. That’s me, swinging like a monkey at the back, my sister and I both taste-testing something just picked! My two younger brothers along for the ride.

One dish I often prepared, I think because you can be as imaginative as you like with whatever is in season, is fruit kebabs…..could not be any easier, the best finger food, and always looks delicious!

Thank The Gods for Yoga.

I had not done yoga before, however, on moving to Perth, and suddenly freed from evening obligations to attend children’s or family events, rituals or needs, I decided to take up yoga. It is something I have wanted to do for some time now, but felt I needed to be in the right ‘space’ to attempt it, and gain most from the experience. I enrolled in Twisting Fish Yoga at Claremont, and have found it is a fantastic way to cast off my everyday existence, concentrate on my breathing….it is incredibly challenging…and refocus my body to understand intimately, what my body is doing, slow down mental processes, turn inward and still my mind. Everyone there seems to be about my age, maybe we are all thinking the same….re-energise, don’t give up on youth, please may our bodies not crumble yet, we shall overcome (what? the inevitable?)….I lie in a dark space, with my class, lit only with candles (thankfully unscented), and move my body to the almost transcendent voice of our teacher. My muscles get lengthened and realigned, my joints reacquaint themselves with ends-of-ranges they have not discovered in quite some time and I leave the class with a lightness and freedom of movement that is absolutely invigorating!!
Namaste

Why I love Museum Shops.

I just love exploring some of the great galleries and museums we are so lucky to have, and then heading straight to the Museum Shop where I can feel all arty, sophisticated and decorative! They are the best places to source unique gifts, stationery and browse some of the most beautiful coffee table books on nature, fashion, photography, history, gardens, food…you name it, there is a beautiful book about it. I love the jewellery, ceramics, glass, textiles and wonderful crafts on display, all begging me to buy something, anything! The art books are fantastic, everything from appreciating others’ art, to have-a-go-yourself books, with lots of how-to tips, so you can be the next great surrealist, portrait painter or landscape artist. I soak up the creative ‘feel’ in these places, my arty IQ goes up at least 5 points, the right side of my brain expands…..and I know I have ‘potential’…..as a….(see above).

Image from Art Gallery of WA.

Food: Chocolate Chip Cookies

Food, especially the food I send across the country to my children, is part of the glue that holds us altogether, keeps us connected. Chocolate is our family’s ‘happy’ food. Some of our best memories are evoked through taste and smell, and nothing says ‘welcome’, ‘tell me about your day’, ‘let’s have a chat’, ‘sit and relax’ than a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

Cream 165g butter and 1 cup of brown sugar.
Beat in 1 egg and 1tsp vanilla essence.
Sift together 1 cup of plain flour and 1 cup of self-raising flour. Add.
Add 1 cup of shredded coconut.
Add 250g good quality dark cooking chocolate, chopped.
Mix to form a stiff dough.
Roll and flatten walnut sized balls onto a tray.
Bake at 180C for 10-15min.
Cool on wire rack.
(would love to acknowledge the source of this recipe, but it has lived for too long in my head!)

Twenty First Birthdays

My beautiful daughter has turned 21. A cause for enormous celebration!….I think…..am I that old? How has time passed so quickly? Have I made the most of my time with her? Have I taught her and shown her enough of life?

To celebrate, family and friends gathered in Sydney for a Black Tie event. It was a fabulous evening, and voted by daughter as a huge success, so everyone was happy! (phew!)

I gave one of the speeches. I had no idea how difficult it would be to sum up in a short speech, (acutely aware that this age group is a tough audience with pretty low boredom thresholds) what and who my daughter is, and also what she means to me and her friends.

This is the speech I gave. I am pretty proud of it.

Many of you here, may or may not be aware, that I am part of a family of great orators. Skills that have been honed over many animated dinnertime conversations.
Both Molly’s brother, Hugh and father, Alec are as at home behind the lectern, as they are on the rugby field, or for that matter, almost any sporting field, and Molly absolutely loves an audience, her energy and enthusiasm shining through, whenever she stands to speak.

I, on the other hand, am not in their class, however, I do feel qualified to speak in praising terms of my uniquely, idiosyncratic exceptional daughter.

Parenting Molly is like being the willing, and sometimes, unwilling companion on the world’s biggest roller-coaster. And like a ride at Universal Studios, Florida, called the Incredible Hulk, which, by the way, is seriously good fun, Alec and I were accelerated at high speed out of the starting blocks at approximately 8pm, on October 21, 1992. As Molly is both the genetic and gender extension of myself, some of the highs, lows, twists and turns, I have experienced on this ride, have an eerily familiar feel!

Rollercoasters are quite breathtaking, in the graceful loop and turn of the tracks, etching a extravagant squiggle above you. Molly is a blue sky, big horizons girl, beautiful to look at, but behind that appeal, sits extreme curiosity, deductive skills, imagination and quick thinking that shoots off on the most improbable tangents.

Although, at times we head off in all sorts of directions, the roller-coaster car that I am in has never come off its tracks, it has remained fair, equitable and just. Molly has such wonderfully high ideals of love, life and everything, that our car is decorated like the best Hallmark card!

This ride goes fast! I am bumped from side to side, but the person next to me is always mindful of others feelings, and appreciates balance, harmony and peace. As our ride has hurtled along over these last 2 decades, I may have threatened to get off, once or twice, but Molly is the one to hold family and friendships together, happy if she can do something to help, or mend a broken relationship; always polite and charming.

I can’t see over the next rise, or hang on, maybe I can see too much. Molly’s confident chatter and wit is a watch-and-learn kind of thing that never ceases to amaze me. She will glide through a tough crowd, making herself a reliable companion, and then be totally at home on the smooth stretches. Molly knows this ride and will always do her best to give you good advise, if you ask, sometimes I am not able to listen, I might have been screaming, but she is terrible at holding grudges, and always finds it in her heart to forgive a lot of things.

I am getting used to this ride, and am now not so sure I want to step off, but I feel Molly will be nudging me out at the next stop, as she enters the next exciting phase of her life, and I think that is ok…as Christopher Robin said to his favourite bear:

If ever there is tomorrow
When we’re not together,
There is something you must always remember.
You are braver than you believe,
Stronger than you seem,
And smarter than you think.
But the most important thing is,
Even if we’re apart…
I’ll always be with you.

 

Empty-nester

I am what is popularly described as an empty-nester. Both our children chose to leave home for University. We encouraged them to consider it, but I guess when they actually do it….well that is a different thing entirely!

My life requires redefining. This is not bad, but challenging.

Now my children love me for my advice, credit card and care packages I post to them (particularly welcome now, for their exam period!).

Visiting them is really wonderful. They seem to enjoy our company and chance to reconnect and catchup on all sorts of news as much as we do. For me, it is a chance to relish in their grownupness, and there is a certain freshness in seeing them again…I always see something delightful in their manner or behaviour, that I had not noticed, or perhaps forgotten.

New Home

It is now 6 months since stepping off the Indian Pacific at East Perth Station, watching our car come off the train, tossing our bags in the back and heading to our new home in Subiaco. We sold our house in Sydney, and left our daughter flying to the US and our son off to uni in Melbourne. So, just me and my wonderful husband embarking on a new journey together.

I have done this before. I should be good at it, but the thought of starting over makes me feel anxious, excited and overwhelmed all at once. 

Timber floors, fireplaces, high decorative ceilings, leadlight windows, our house is gorgeous. The truck arrives, ready to unload our much diminished possessions. Having sold a large house in Sydney, and moving to, what is a cottage, we made a decision to shed ourselves of much of our stuff. Cathartic and quite liberating!

Alec at work, me at home sorting our new life! Boring things…changing address, insurance, setting up services etc. Fun things like discovering new places to visit, shop and have coffee. Love Rokeby Road Subiaco, and Boucla coffee.

We arrived for the Perth Arts Festival and the Centenary celebrations for UWA. Images of WA and UWA history projected onto Winthrop Hall.

We were invited to events, and met new friends…at last a social circle. We became subscribers to the Black Swan Theatre Company, and Alec joined a cycling group.  I joined some of their wives to make a girls group. So now I can be seen peddling my Giant bike, clad in colourful lycra, riverside along the beautiful Swan River. Bikes are a great mode of transport to discover a new place, and it is exhilarating, although bike helmets have ended the  ‘wind through the hair’ type sensation! Really lovely girls, we cycle hard, but always have time for a chat and coffee at one of Perth’s many great cafes.

Fabulous Perth sky. A view from Kings Park.